Juan Goytisolo: Cock-Eyed Comedy

From the opening chapter of the novel when Trennes turns up in Barcelona and enjoys the company of the poet Jaime Gil de Biedma and his entourage. Read and re-read the original and the two drafts and make notes on the process of change before looking at my comments. If you don't read Spanish, start with the English drafts and then glance occasionally at the Spanish.

Subì ex profeso el volumen del altavoz (mis padres dormìan fuera y Pepe se habìa retirado con tacto). Los compases del pasadoble elevaban gradualmente la temperatura afectiva: el respetable salón familiar parecìa más bien un real de feria o encierro taurino. Colita embestìa briosamente el foulard de Cucú y ésta se habìa agenciado un par de abanicos de la vitrina y se servìa de ellos como banderillas. Luego, el père de Trennes pasó a ser Miura. ¡Una colcha roja! Fui a buscar una de un rosa desteñido y se la pasé a Colita. El buen Padre rascaba la alfombra con sus elegantes pezuñas antes de entrar al trapo. Cucú le azuzaba con rugidos de leona en celo. Nuestro novillo de casta no temìa al ridìculo. Enrojecido y algo despechugado, actuaba conforme al guión con furia de poseso. El pasadoble nos enfebrecìa: nada más excitante que su crescendo bien arrosé con ginebra. Al cabo de unos minutos nos sentìamos agotados, El père de Trennes se puso sobre los hombros la colcha rosada y preguntó:¿Qué tal estarìa yo de bailarina?' 'Requetebién' dijo Colita. Intentó unos pases de baile, pero no pudo. El gin-fizz puntualmente servido por Jaime le habìa dado la puntilla. Estaba borracho y empezó a cantar.

First draft

I turned up the volume ex profeso (my parents were out-of-town and Pepe had beat a tactful retreat). The rhythm of the pasadoble gradually raised the emotional pitch: our respectable family sitting-room seemed more like a ring at the fair or a bull-run. Colita brandished with brio Cucu's cravate and she'd purloined a pair of fans from the glass-case, now whirled them like banderillas. Then, père de Trennes became the Miura. A red quilt! I fetched a faded pink one which I handed to Colita. The good priest pawed the carpet with his elegant hoofs before making for the cloth. Cucú goaded him roaring like a lionness in heat. Our noble young bull wasn't afraid of ridicule. Red in the face and a little unbuttoned, he followed the script with the passion of the possessed. The pasadoble turned us on: nothing was more arousing that its crescendo well-watered with gin. After a few minutes we felt exhausted. Père de Trennes wrapped the pink quilt round his shoulders and asked: How'd I be as a dancer?' 'A real hit', said Colita. He tried a few steps, but he couldn't. The regularly poured gin-tonics had made their mark. He was drunk and started to sing.

Sixth draft

I turned up the volume ex profeso (my parents were out-of-town and Pepe had beat a tactful retreat). The rhythm of the pasadoble gradually raised the emotional pitch: our respectable family parlour seemed more like a ring at the fair or a bull-run. Pigtail brandished with brio the foulard of Cuckoo who'd purloined a pair of fans from the glass-cabinet, and was whirling them like banderillas. Then, le père de Trennes turned Miura bull. A red quilt! I fetched a faded pink specimen which I handed to Pigtail. The good priest pounded the parquet with his elegant hoofs before making for the cloth. Cuckoo goaded him roaring like a lionness on heat. Our pedigree youngster wasn't afraid of ridicule. Red-faced and rather unbuttoned, he performed to script with the passion of the possessed. The pasadoble turned us on: its crescendo bien arrosé with gin was the perfect arouser. After a few minutes we felt exhausted. Le père de Trennes wrapped the pink quilt round his shoulders and asked: 'Would I make it as a flamenco-dancer?' 'And how!' cried Cuckoo. He tried a few steps, but couldn't. The regular offerings of gin-tonic had done the trick. He was drunk and started singing.

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COMMENTS

a) First draft

i)Literal version?

It is often said that a first draft is a literal version. The word 'literal' implies that the translation is word-for-word and this is nonsense in the field of literary translation. There can be no such thing as a literal translation in a draft process. The first draft is the first stab at the re-writing, at an imaginative transformation:

dormían fuera - were out-of -town - not 'were sleeping away'

se había retirado con tacto - had beat a tactful retreat - , not 'had retired with tact'.

ii) Humour
As this is a comic novel, there is a need to re-create the word-play, as in the alliteration in this scene of the wind-up of the holy father:

embestía briosamente - brandished with brio
se había agenciado un par de abanicos - she'd purloined a pair of fans (note the use of the more informal contraction, a handy piece of English flexibility)

iii) Compensation?
Another favourite word of translator theorists which draws on simplistic notions of profit and loss. The process of loss and gain is writing-led. It is not a mechanical exercise in weights and measures:

antes de entrar al trapo - before making for the cloth - adds an irony not present in the Spanish because of the English designation of priests as 'men of the cloth'

iii) Cultural context
The names remain untranslated. The bullfighting references include banderillas and Miura and remain unexplained. Can we assume readers of Juan Goytisolo will know something about Spain and bullfighting? Is it obvious from the context? What about Trennes himself?

b) Sixth draft

i) Compression
The text has become much tighter, denser; the English attempts to grasp the 'timing' necessary for what is a farcical scene:

Enrojecido y algo despechugado actuaba conforme al guión con furia de poseso Red in the face and a little unbuttoned, he followed the script with the passion of the possessed. Red-faced and rather unbuttoned, he performed to script with the passion of the possessed.

ii) Humour
In the translation of the following sentence, the slight shift in register with the translation of 'furia' is continued into the rendering of 'enfebrecía' ('fury' and 'fevered') and the use of French in the Spanish is used to advantage with the play of 'arrosé' and 'arousal'

The pasadoble turned us on: its crescendo bien arrosé with gin was the perfect arouser -
El pasadoble nos enfebrecía: nada más excitante que su crescendo bien arrosé con ginebra
(But would it be better to keep the fury and fevered and turn the 'red-faced' into flushed? A translatorly question the re-drafter asks himself... )

In an earlier sentence, I've slightly changed the furniture in order to extend the alliteration:
El buen Padre rascaba la alfombra con sus elegantes pezuñas
The good Father scratched the carpet with his elegant hoofs
The good priest pawed the carpet with his elegant hoofs
The good priest pounded the parquet with his elegant hoofs

iii) Cultural context
I have decided to translate the names of the priest's playmates but not that of the père himself. The names add to the comedy and are not transparent whereas I'm expecting readers to have a reasonable level of French as in the Spanish there are extended passages of French which I won't translate. Since the first and second edition of the original, the author has himself re-written the opening pages and short sections elsewhere and now the priest's provenance is mentioned in the text. I decided to clarify what a Miura is.

Read more...Extract 2

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